The reality of it.

I was just looking at some of my old posts and stuff I’ve written here, and wondered exactly when it was that my blog and I began to lose touch with each other.   In so few words, that can be blamed on nursing school, and now to the fact that being a nurse isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

I wish I could just sit down and write about lighter things and stop this nonsense every so often about why I haven’t given any blog love in the past couple of years, but I’m currently consumed with trying to find a place for myself in a new career that is sitting on the other side of a chasm hundreds of miles wide from everything I’ve ever known.

I never expected it to be a walk in the park, but I also never expected myself to feel like giving up so early on.

I suppose my eyes were only half mast for the past couple of years, because I never saw the entire picture.  I was never the only person standing opposite them.  I had someone there to support me, to teach me what to teach them.   I was never the person to sit down with them and listen to their fears.  I was never the first person they saw after learning that they’ve got cancer. I was never the only hand they could reach for during a rough time in their life.  I was never the last person they’d look at before they left this world.  I was never the person to get yelled and screamed at because their dinner wasn’t hot enough, or the room was too warm.  I was never the person to get threatened when I couldn’t order their pain medication myself.  I’ve been all of those things now, and so much more to so many people, and it’s scary.

I was also quite ignorant about what it could really be like.  I ended up getting a job in the inner city of one of our country’s most dangerous cities.  No training or advice I’d received over the years could have prepared me for what I was thrown into when I began my job.  I still don’t feel prepared every day I walk into that place, but every single day I walk out of there, I know that I learned something, and that’s all I can ask.

I started this post a few months ago, when I was having a really rough time adjusting to my new job, and while I am still within that “getting to know you” phase of the relationship between having a license to perform as a nurse and actually being a nurse, I do think that I’ve come a long way.  I don’t think the road I’m travelling truly ever ends, but I’ll stay on it as long as I can.

It’s hard.  Challenging.  Frustrating.  Emotional.  I’ve probably experienced every single emotion in just a couple of months, and at first I couldn’t deal with it.  It was overwhelming to the point that I was ready to quit, almost did on a few occasions.  But I managed to take every single one of those emotions and wrap them neatly inside my head, and only use one at a time.  I’m descending slowly to a comfortable level.

I say all these things, and haven’t said the long stream of thoughts still running through my mind, because when it comes down to it, I really do like my job.  There are good days and bad.  There are good patients and bad.  But in the end, it’s the good that remains with me, and I hope it always does.

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Next up…

Three years ago today yesterday I started this blog.

My hope is that my prolonged absence is merely just a hiccup in the lifeline of this blog.

I started it as a way to get away from the stress that was 2007.  And I truly wish that someday I’ll need that outlet again.  But, I just can’t find the words right now.

Those words used to pour out of me like water.  I’d lose hours in front of the computer, my fingers going a mile a minute.  These days, I have to think of every. single. word . I. type.  It’s not the most reassuring feeling.

But if there is one thing I’ve finally admitted to myself is okay over those three years, it’s that things change.  Granted, I’ve endured about as much change as some people would in just a few days, or hours for that matter, but to me it’s a lot.

So, I’ll hope, and I’ll wish, but in the end it’s up to me to do the work.

And I surely haven’t got a shortage of topics, that’s for sure.

To be continued…

 

 

Here, then gone again.

So I really meant to find time to tell you all about the trip to Virginia before we left again, but somehow I ran out.  I’m pretty good at that!

We’re off to the U.P. in the morning, and I still haven’t finished packing.  At least I will have plenty to talk about when we get back.

Have a great weekend!

It starts here

Well, here I am…with my very own blog.  Not that it’s anything new these days, I am just another page in the extravagant world of blogging.  Anyway, it’ll be fun!  Enjoy!!