The reality of it.

I was just looking at some of my old posts and stuff I’ve written here, and wondered exactly when it was that my blog and I began to lose touch with each other.   In so few words, that can be blamed on nursing school, and now to the fact that being a nurse isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

I wish I could just sit down and write about lighter things and stop this nonsense every so often about why I haven’t given any blog love in the past couple of years, but I’m currently consumed with trying to find a place for myself in a new career that is sitting on the other side of a chasm hundreds of miles wide from everything I’ve ever known.

I never expected it to be a walk in the park, but I also never expected myself to feel like giving up so early on.

I suppose my eyes were only half mast for the past couple of years, because I never saw the entire picture.  I was never the only person standing opposite them.  I had someone there to support me, to teach me what to teach them.   I was never the person to sit down with them and listen to their fears.  I was never the first person they saw after learning that they’ve got cancer. I was never the only hand they could reach for during a rough time in their life.  I was never the last person they’d look at before they left this world.  I was never the person to get yelled and screamed at because their dinner wasn’t hot enough, or the room was too warm.  I was never the person to get threatened when I couldn’t order their pain medication myself.  I’ve been all of those things now, and so much more to so many people, and it’s scary.

I was also quite ignorant about what it could really be like.  I ended up getting a job in the inner city of one of our country’s most dangerous cities.  No training or advice I’d received over the years could have prepared me for what I was thrown into when I began my job.  I still don’t feel prepared every day I walk into that place, but every single day I walk out of there, I know that I learned something, and that’s all I can ask.

I started this post a few months ago, when I was having a really rough time adjusting to my new job, and while I am still within that “getting to know you” phase of the relationship between having a license to perform as a nurse and actually being a nurse, I do think that I’ve come a long way.  I don’t think the road I’m travelling truly ever ends, but I’ll stay on it as long as I can.

It’s hard.  Challenging.  Frustrating.  Emotional.  I’ve probably experienced every single emotion in just a couple of months, and at first I couldn’t deal with it.  It was overwhelming to the point that I was ready to quit, almost did on a few occasions.  But I managed to take every single one of those emotions and wrap them neatly inside my head, and only use one at a time.  I’m descending slowly to a comfortable level.

I say all these things, and haven’t said the long stream of thoughts still running through my mind, because when it comes down to it, I really do like my job.  There are good days and bad.  There are good patients and bad.  But in the end, it’s the good that remains with me, and I hope it always does.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Meg B
    Apr 12, 2012 @ 10:36:00

    I cheered when I saw a new post from you!!

    I don’t know how you do your job, but it sounds like you’re getting a feel for it. Good luck with the adjustment. I’ve missed ya! Hopefully you can find a happy medium and survive. Hugs!

    Reply

  2. deb
    Apr 12, 2012 @ 17:15:15

    I couldn’t believe my eyes! Especially through the tears after I read your post. You are a compassionate and skillful nurse, and I am so proud of you. You are serving those who may not recognize you as a blessing, but you surely are! God bless and protect you. And know that you are prayed for each and every day. Soon you will have that first year under your belt, hang in there day by day. Love you, Mom

    Reply

  3. BFG
    Apr 12, 2012 @ 19:58:04

    life is a learning experience. focus on the positive and learn from the negative- you are a good student and I couldn’t be any prouder of what you have accomplished
    Love You
    Dad

    Reply

  4. Capri K
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 06:16:55

    What I love about this post is your blow by blow shift in perspective, and that is a most valuable life skill Nursey!
    God can use you in this place.

    Reply

  5. Laurie
    May 21, 2012 @ 22:13:45

    The first time I read this post I had tears running down my face. It brought back some memories. One of the best pieces of advice I got after getting into REAL Nursing was from a Doctor: Holding his hands close together, he said, “This is the ideal” — holding his arms spread wide, he said, “This is reality. And somewhere in between you have to find the meeting place.” When things were tough, when I wasn’t sure I was making the difference that I wanted, I would remember those words. And I would tell myself that as long as I was doing the best that I could within the situation, then it was okay. You do make a difference, Steph.

    Reply

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